The Secret Menu

I am not claiming to be one who is well versed in the ways of dining out.  99% of the time, I am the chef and the menu items are whatever I can cobble together at the last minute when, as if by surprise, another meal is expected to appear.   However, I remember hearing a broadcast on NPR about the rising interest in “Secret Menu’s”.  The idea was that people in the know, knew that there were some things they could order that were not on the menu- people on the inside, hip people. 

Well, clearly, the wildlife that frequents my yard in search of handouts, have their own idea of what is available on the  “Secret Menu”.  And these menus are so secret; even I didn’t know I was offering them.  For instance, I put out plenty of sunflower seed and suet, which is enjoyed by so many birds but especially the Golden Fronted Woodpeckers.  They dine on them regularly, but they also partake of something that is featured on the SM- my deck.  I have not seen evidence of insects in this part of the deck, but clearly something yummy is worth hammering it to smithereens for. 

I used to allow the squirrels to feed on the deck from an open plate of seed, but that finally was just too messy, so I have a platform feeder and even one of those cones that holds the dried corncobs, but that isn’t good enough for them.  They too, chose from column A of the Secret menu- my deck.  A patch of scratches I was blaming on the feral cats, turned out to be the work of squirrels and an entire wooden post has been devoured in one exuberant tooth sharpening exercise.  Clearly, it is every bit as yummy as the corn.

 

I have three hummingbird feeders full of sugar water that is the number one item on the hummingbird menu, but the ants, bees, hornets and once again, the Golden Fronted Woodpecker chose this item over several others.  The woodpecker is pretty comical as he tries to hang upside down, balancing that large body of his precariously and lapping away at the sugar.  When he lets go it’s a free fall tumble for a moment. 

The hornets were a true problem at the feeder last year, keeping the poor hummingbirds at bay.  I remember my mother-in-law kept a hornet blaster near by and blasted anything that came near but I am a little more reticent to be spraying chemicals about.  She also was fearless and had long, spear-like fingernails that could impale an unwary hornet.  I am not that brave, nor are my fingernails long and sharp enough.  I resorted to one of those hanging traps that also have sugar water that draws them in but they can’t get out. Half the time I would feel guilty, walk the trap far from the usual space and let them go.

 However this year, I must have put it out too early for who did I find paddling for their life, but the very honeybees I keep hoping to lure to my fruit trees.  They chose to ignore the true menu and go for this “secret menu”, to their peril.  I have since had to remove it for the guilt of killing them would be too much.

Ants too are gumming up the works.  I have an oriole feeder, oranges and more nectar with nice big holes that clearly the ants like to dive in and them come a cropper when they can’t get out.  I always wonder if in their dying act they release any formic acid for once there are enough ants floating belly up the hummingbirds leave it alone.  And, of course, not a single oriole for which this menu item is intended, has deigned to show up.  The ants have another secret menu item.  Not my deck, but my small pavilion- yum. They step right over the ant baits and plunge into an ever-widening hole that soon will have the columns toppling over. The deck is, naturally, on the termite’s main menu, I just hadn’t meant to offer it.

So what is an Italian to do? Keep offering my daily specials and just accept that these savvy diners will be choosing from their own well-circulated secret menu’s, I suppose.  Mangia, everyone, mangia.